Adopting an Older Child – Meeting Their Unique Needs

By June S. Bond, B.A., M. Ed.

Bringing in a new family member within any family circle requires care, adjustments, and attention to detail in making the newest member of the family feel assimilated and a cherished member of their new family. Whether it is an addition by marriage, through foster care, or the adoption of an infant or older child/sibling group, realistic expectations and careful planning can make the addition of new family more successful. While the anxiety, excitement, lack of sleep, and new role for first time parents accompany an infant adoption, another set of unique needs accompany the adoption of an older child.

Older children may come into the adoption experience from a variety of different circumstances such as international adoption, adoption from foster care, or a private adoption of a disrupted adoption or a relative adoption. Based on the way in which the child or sibling group comes into their new home will determine ways in which the adoptive family can be more prepared to meet their unique needs. One of the most important preplacement tasks that an adoptive family can accomplish is a thorough reading and understanding of the events that surround the removal of the child from their birth family. Typically, children who are adopted internationally will have relatively little information about the birth family, prenatal care, (if any), and the reasons for out of home care. In fact, it is not unusual for an international placement records to start only when the child first enters the orphanage or group home. Conversely, children that are adopted from the foster care system may have reams of paper records that trace historical records, not only for the child being adopted, but may cover generational information. The best advice in reading the records include: 1) Read all the records no matter how much or how little, 2) Understand that sections of the child inventory may be self-reported by third parties such as foster parents, teachers, and care providers, and 3) It is important to note that information contained in the child’s historical report cannot be verified nor substantiated. Important genetic information may be missing, and the adoptive parents should be advised that the genetic background may be incomplete or even based on inaccurate information provided by the birth family. It should also be noted that genetic history will evolve as time goes along. This evolving history is obviously not available. 4) Seek outside professional assistance in advance of the placement to get a head start on services that can make the placement a smooth transition.

Suffice to say, all parents should be advocates for their child. Infant adoption allows parents the luxury of less immediate advocacy in lieu of a good night’s sleep. Adopting an older child requires immediate advocacy in order to meet unique needs. The most immediate advocacy issues are 1)Educational issues, 2) Medical Issues and 3) Mental health/grief issues, and 4) Potential safety plans for children that do not understand boundaries.

Educational Advocacy: Older adoptees must have an advocate in the school. Talk with your child’s teacher and the school guidance counselor about the child’s educational needs and behavioral challenges. Prepare them to anticipate triggers that may affect the child’s behaviors that are related to loss and grief issues. Be proactive about timely educational testing and securing added services that make a difference in the success of your foster child. YOU must be a moving force to access the educational services that the child needs to be successful.

Medical and Mental Health Advocacy: Breaking through the medical and mental health system can be difficult. Many times, a child will come into their new home without a history of medical care and proper immunizations. Finding the RIGHT doctor and mental health care professional is the key in getting the treatment and services that are needed as soon as possible. Ask other adoptive parents who they have used and which doctor and mental health professional they feel advocates for their adopted child. Ease and convenience may not be the best practice if your current medical team does not seem to have the experience and practical knowledge of the special needs that an adopted child may have. Make certain that your health care specialist has some social history in the file on why the child came into care. The information can help guide the medical team in a more comprehensive treatment approach. If you are having difficulty in securing appointments for counseling referrals or other medical referrals, ask your medical care provider to make the call. It is amazing how fast an appointment can be made when a doctor’s office calls, rather than a patient.

Grief Associated with Adoption: Adopting an older child/sibling group can bring added layers of loss and grief. It is easy to think that adopting an older child that has been living in foster care or an orphanage overseas will bring immediate joy and security to the child. This is not always true. When an older child is moved away from their current setting to their new home, the child experiences the loss of former caregivers and friends, the loss of familiar objects, and the loss of familiar routines and habits. For international adoptees, they suffer the loss of their native foods, language, and familiar sights, sounds and smells. The loss and grief can be compounded by the deprivation, abuse, and neglect that the child suffered prior to their placement into a “forever home.” Adoptive parents must acknowledge the trauma of this new placement and the grief that can accompany these losses. It is easy for the outside world to gloss over the loss of a former life, as they bask in the sunlight of the new life that the child can anticipate. It is also easy for the new parents to not recognize their child’s losses as they bask in the warmth of the recent placement and their own feelings of love and pride in their new child. One client recently confided that she felt angry that her newly placed six- year-old child had loss and grief issues, while she was so thrilled at finally getting to be a mother, after years of infertility.

Children are not always able to talk about their feelings, thus using their actions to speak louder than their words. Children may exhibit physical symptoms such as a marked change in sleep patterns, night terrors, and a change in eating patterns. A loss of concentration and mood swings may occur in older children. In addition, some children fluctuate between withdrawal and aggression. Others may exhibit guilt about getting a new family, resembling survivor guilt. This is most common when a sibling group is separated and some of the children are not adopted. It is also important to note that as children go through certain developmental states, the feelings of loss and grief may be more prevalent. As Piaget noted, children’s level of thinking and reasoning go through progressive stages, culminating in the ability to process complex material. As a child’s ability to reason progresses, higher order questions evolve about the reasons behind their placement and their birth family. This may cause the child to “circle back” to some previous issues of loss and grief that the parents thought had been resolved years earlier. Consequently, the issues of loss and grief can be linear, curricular, and developmental.

• Be honest, but age appropriate, with the child about the facts of their placement. This must be done knowing the level of the child’s comprehension and the circumstances surrounding the adoption plan. It is also important to help the child understand that the adoption plan was not the result of any fault or issue that the child had. This is very important when the adoption plan was made due to abuse of the child.
• Acknowledge and be supportive of the child’s need to grieve losses. This takes a mature parent who can see beyond sometimes hurtful words and actions by their adoptive child.
• Acknowledge times that you have felt loss and grief and how you dealt with it.
• Suggest for older children to keep a journal to write about their feelings that they may not want to share with anyone else.
• Read books to your child about others who have experienced loss and grief and have lived through their losses. Use gentle questioning about how their situations may be alike or different.
• Be prepared to discuss some issues about the placement plan repeatedly as the child matures and has a deeper level of comprehension of the initial facts. Remember that loss and grief issues can be circular as the child’s development progress.

Loss and grief are a normal part of all life. Each of us will suffer loss and grief at some time in our life. The ability to deal with the loss and grief with a supportive caring family can help a child move forward to know that losses and grief can be replaced with a loving forever family on whom he/she can depend! Good grief leads to healthy healing.

Boundary Issues: The fear of children who sexually act out is a major topic of concern for families considering adopting an older child. It is estimated that one out of four girls and one out of eight boys experience sexual abuse before the age of eighteen years old. Statistics indicate that that the rate of sexual abuse for children in out of home care may be as high as an astounding 75%! With these saddening statistics, families must understand this delicate issue, keeping all the children in the home safe, and preventing false accusations of adults in the home. The family should consider a safety/boundary plan for ALL family members. Remember that older children may not have the boundary concept that a child raised in the home from birth has. A therapist or adoption case worker can provide safety plans, but usually include some of the following items; 1) Use the “Rule of Three.” Do not leave two children alone together. Likewise, try not to be alone with a child who has a history of sexual acting out or a history of false accusations. 2) Allow each child, if possible, to have their own bedroom.Make certain that doors are left open unless the child is dressing. Children should not be allowed to visit in each other’s bedrooms. 3) Have clear rules about dressing, bathing, and touching. Make certain that all residents of your home know and abide by clear boundaries. 4) Avoid physical horseplay. Horseplay can be arousing and misinterpreted by a child who has been sexually abused. 5) Use monitors, house alarm systems, hall motion detectors, and/or portable door alarms if needed.

Adopting an older child or a sibling group can be a wonderful way to open your home and heart to the many orphans in our country and abroad. With proper training, a structured physical environment, an open and listening heart, and advocacy on behalf of your older children you can be successful. The reward to the adoptive parent is knowing that they have made a difference in the life of a child. The reward to the child is the ability to overcome the effects of abuse, abandonment, and grief …thus regaining their life and dignity.

June Bond earned a BA in psychology and a M.Ed. in early Childhood Education from Converse College. She has published over 40 articles that relate to adoption, education, and family issues and speaks nation-wide on adoption-related issues. She is the 2006 Congressional Angel of Adoption recipient. She served on the local Foster Care Review Board. She is currently the Executive Director of Adoption Advocacy of South Carolina. Mrs. Bond has been a certified adoption investigator for over 31 years.