GOING FROM INFERTILITY TO ADOPTION –STATEMENTS TO EXPLORE

By June Bond, BS, MED, Certified Adoption Investigator and Amy Paul Carr, BS, Certified Adoption Investigator Published in “Infertility Times” – November/December Edition

With the advances in reproductive technology, it can be difficult for some families to decide when to take the path to parenthood through adoption rather than continue on the path of infertility treatments. This article poses statements for families to ponder as they seek to move from one path to another on their final journey to parenthood.

We have grieved for our unborn biological child: Many of us have dreamed of having a biological child for years. With each failed cycle of infertility treatments, the dream may have become dimmer. Yet, the pain and grief over not achieving this dream may have intensified with time. Before a family pursues adoption, it is wise to understand the grief of losing your “dream birth child”. With any loss, grief is a natural way of healing. Understanding the stages of grief and dealing with those stages is wise in order to allow yourself the energy to enjoy the happiness that an adoption can bring. Likewise, allowing grief to surface at the more appropriate time will alleviate grief surfacing unexpectedly when the support base has diminished. Grief is a painful, but normal and healthy part of reaching acceptance in life’s losses. Moving through the normal cycles of grief can allow both you and your spouse the natural responses to loss and the ability to move on.

Our decision to adopt has evolved over time and is not the knee-jerk reaction to a failed pregnancy or unsuccessful infertility treatment: As adoption counselors, we can attest to the cyclical nature of adoption clients. Years ago, doctors batched the infertility patients, so all of the IVF patients were going through the IVF cycle at the same time. Needless to say, two weeks after the treatment cycle, offices would receive a flood of calls seeking information about adoption. Likewise, our client list grows around Mother’s Days and just after Christmas. While it is not unwise to put a limit on the time, financial involvement, and emotional roll coaster, the decision should not be a knee jerk response to bad news or a turn on the page of a daily calendar. Adoption is a lifelong commitment made by a family. This commitment follows the family for generations. The decision to make this lifelong commitment should be explored over time in a rational and unemotional setting. Making an important decision of any kind just after a trauma is not a wise idea. Give yourself the time and distance from a failed pregnancy attempt to make a rational decision.

We have gone public with our family and friends about our plans for adoption. Many some clients are reluctant to involve their family and friends in their newfound decision to pursue adoption. Some will say that they do not want to “disappoint the family yet another time.” Others will lament that they do not want to be questioned constantly about the process as they wade through the stacks of paperwork. Either response, may be denying your family and friends the ability to be supportive and to feel entrenched in the process. We often ask a family that does not want to “disappoint their family and friends” if they feel that their hurt will be lessened to keep the failed adoption to themselves. The answer is obviously NO. Not only will the hurt be just as great, but the support will be invisible. Most family members and friends will be supportive. Those that are not supportive will not become more supportive by not knowing that you are going to adopt. In fact, you may well be surprised to find out who in the circle of family and friends have been adopted or even placed a child for adoption.

We have explored different options to adoption: Far too often, adoptive couples will complete diligent research on which car or computer to purchase and will stumble into one of the most lasting and important decisions of their life…their adoption decision. Before making final decisions, every couple should attend an adoption expo on the three different kinds of adoption choices. Once a couple has made their adoption choice from domestic infant, international, or children from foster care, they should again go back to the research board to investigate agencies and adoption professionals. We encourage a family to call the licensing entity for any that they are considering and ask if the agency has any “founded complaints” in their file. In addition, we also recommend talking with the better business bureau in the agencies hometown to ascertain if there are complaints about their business practices. The same route through the bar association should be taken to ascertain the reputation of an adoption attorney. We also feel that attending a support group for a similar type of adoption that you are exploring is a great idea to hear the joys and trials of others’ adoption stories. We also encourage families to solicit recommendations from people that they know and trust. An adoption experience can only be enhanced by competent professionals and agencies that meet all needs in the adoption triangle.

We have examined our own strengths and weaknesses in order to make an adoption decision that supports our strengths: When looking at adoption options, a family should consider their own strengths and weaknesses, as well as their families’ attitude about adoption and the area in which they live. Some families are better able to cope with children who have special needs, while others may not. On the other hand, some families do not live in an area that can easily support transracial adoptions, while families who live in a more urban area can easily support a transracial placement. It may be extremely important to some families that their adopted child resemble them in appearance, while other families may not need this type of connection. Only through an honest examination of ourselves, our extended families, and the area in which we live, can we make an adoption decision that supports our strengths and leads to a more satisfying adoption experience.

We have explored our feelings about different hereditary traits that adoption can bring into a family and are ready to accept gifts as well as challenges: When we think about our dream child, he/she always has the best traits of each parent. We rarely consider that the child may have the unlucky draw of the “wading gene pool” rather than the lucky draw of the “Olympic size diving gene pool.” When we consider adoption, however, we must be more realistic that we are going to rear a child that is drawing their own strengths and weaknesses from a different gene pool from our own. This can bring its own set of joys and trials at times. Mrs. Bond recounts sitting in an awards ceremony for the state soccer champions, on which her daughter was a starter. The coach indicated that the girls had inherited much talent as well as support from their families. “I leaned over to my husband and remarked that the only way I could ever enjoy this ceremony was through adoption since I did not have one ounce of athletic ability, remarked Bond.” While a family may enjoy the success of their children’s inherent talents, they may have little of these same traits themselves. Likewise, our adoption children may also bring behaviors and learning challenges that we may not have had with birth children. Bond, the mother of six children, four of whom are adopted, states, “Maggie, our adopted daughter, looks most like our dream child since she has characteristics of both of us. Our biological children, Jacqueline and John, are not a combination of their two parents. Jacqueline looks just like me and John looks just like his father. Jacqueline and John look less like siblings than the adopted children. Three of the six children were in academically gifted classes. Three were not in academically gifted, but area excelling in school and life. There is no set formula on how birth children or adopted children will look or act. There are gifts and challenges with all children, not matter which gene pool is tapped.”

We have decided that being a parent is more important to us than becoming pregnant: We all hear stories that no sooner than you adopt you will become pregnant. While that may be the case in some unexplained infertility cases, adoption does not make you pregnant. Adoption is a lifelong commitment to another human being pledging that you will be there through thick and thin. Adoption is not just the adoption of a precious baby. It is the continued parenting process through skinned knees, endless soccer games, algebra tutoring, driving lessons and the hormonal halls of hell. When considering adoption, couples must ask themselves if they are ready to parent, rather than ready to be pregnant. A typical pregnancy lasts for 40 weeks, parenting, whether through adoption or birth, lasts a lifetime. If its parenthood you desire, rest assured that there are children in the world who can benefit from your love, guidance, and a “forever home.”

For added information about the adoption and infertility, visit the web sites listed below: